The choice is MINE!

So for about 10 years I've lived with a regret that has kept gnawing at me, it hasn't let me sleep or let me move forward - that regret is not going to law school to become a lawyer and then eventually a judge.

Since I've been doing some painful soul-searching I've discovered that the dream of law school was not mine to begin with. I let someone's dream, someone's expectation, someone's hope of my future control how I've been behaving. I also let the need to connect with someone control my behaviour.

I'm learning to take back control and dammit - it's painful. One profound decision I've made, and made for myself is the choice to return to school to complete a 2nd degree in Education and begin my career as an elementary school teacher. [INSERT SIGH OF RELIEF HERE]

This choice is mine, I'm EXCITED!!!

So many people around me told me that I would make a good lawyer, true enough - I believe I would but not every person who can argue about anything with a purpose has to become a lawyer. What I do believe however is that you should listen very closely to that song in your heart that beats louder when you hit the right notes, and it beats louder when you feel the universe is telling you something. My heart finally feels like it's singing it's own tune now and it's a powerful song.

The soul-searching process isn't over, I still have to tackle a few issues about how I feel about myself, how I project myself and how I need to feel complete. But I do feel a sense of accomplishment just having come to the decision about my career - my purpose. It's a decision made later rather than sooner but it's finally made.

Things change.

The path I'm on, the path to real self-discovery is making me realise I've given away parts of my soul, and have done it too often.

Some advice I was given to really love yourself was to look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself "I love you". Look deep into your eyes, take the moment in and tell yourself that. I haven't been able to say that to myself and mean it yet. Part of that process has been to remember those times that have been defining times that made me the way I am...I've been able to tell the fat/five year old/crying from painfully tight jeans that I love her but now I'm staring at the 13 year old and I'm intimidated by her anger. Her anger hurts me now. How do i tell her that she is loved, she is beautiful and all the hurtful things she experienced is just not worth her life being held up now. Life is on hold...I'm 33, single and have been forever, no kids, in a job I can't find any passion in...this is not what I wanted.

How did I go from being that little girl who dreamt of wearing pretty things, playing with make-up, dreaming of marriage, wanting boyfriends & relationships -- all of those things that all little girls want to turning into a woman who projects hate.

How have I let someone else's words and actions hurt my life so much?
How have I let some claw at my spirit and throw it away?

I don't know how I let this happen. I'm angry, depressed, fat...what have I done!!

I can't magically turn things around, it's hard work and right now I have to have a one-on-one with the 13 year old Me.

What anger is.

You know when you need to hear the right thing at the right moment, you need the light bulb moment...? I think I needed it because when it came I felt like screaming "Where the hell have you been??"

One of my co-workers said she heard the following statement, "...anger is like when YOU drink rat poison and wait for the other person to die." How true.

I hold on to anger, I admit it and even with this phrase, as blunt as it is I know I'm going to falter - I'm human after all...but I'll make an effort...because I've drank alot of rat poison already and I'm the one who is dying.

I'm faltering all too easily when it comes to losing weight, I'm not happy with where I'm at, I know I can do better but it's what I can't seem to let go of that is holding me back.

I figured it out!

I know where the black hole is! In fact, I know that there are many black holes!

I know that when a certain group of co-workers get together it forms a black hole of stupidity.
I know that when a certain jack-ass opens his mouth it forms a black hole.
I know that when certain people reproduce when they shouldn't it forms a black hole down there.
I know there are many black holes...what black holes have you seen?

*Smile*

I am happy.

Didn't think I would say that but you know what, I AM happy. The reason being is that my life is running towards the 'happy' and away from the 'toxic'!!!

I am pleased to report I am now migraine free! *Shock*
I have lost 30+lbs and am continuing to lose! *Applause*
I have shed toxic people from my life! *Phew*
I am constructively working towards creating my career! *Yippee*
I have great friends! *Grateful*
I have chosen to take care of my body!!! *Taking a bow*

I am nothing if I am not Amarpreet, Empress of My Life.

Painful lesson learned.

Someone flushed the toilet on me!

The toilet is clogged, I got flushed away and the toilet is now clogged. I'm trying to get out but feel like the water is just swirling and swirling...damn, I hope this toilet is clean!!!

I know, I know...sick little metaphor but unfortunately that's the state of my life right now.

I haven't written any posts in quite some time because my health has taken quite a sharp turn towards the gutter.

"Well, at least it's not cancer, and take these before you bleed to death."
"Would that have been next, cancer?"
"Yes."

A rock and a hard place is a really shitty place to be, really shitty. Some days I just want to give up and not come out of my bed. But that's not me, I'm Amar and I'm supposed to just keep moving, at everyone's disposal...I'm tired...let me rest for awhile...just awhile.

"They may take our lives, but they will never take our FREEDOM!!!"...sorry, Braveheart is playing in the background.

As I was saying, I'm going to keep going at it day in and day out, pill after pill...someday I will be pain free...I just need a break for awhile...18 years of chronic daily pain is a bit much. Holy shit! I can hear 18 years in my head but that's more than half my life!!! Enough already - I'm tired!

Blah, blah, blah...and so goes my story...same ol' shit really.

Learn to love yourself...Accept yourself first...Think positive...there seems to be a quote for everything, a self-help book for everything, a bull-shitter for every occassion...anyone got some duct tape to shut them up?? Too many people are talking, too many people think they understand what's happening...too many people are just down-right stupid, ignorant and inconsiderate.

The plunger seems to be lost, as soon as it's found and I'm pulled out I'll let you know Cyberworld. Until then, celebrate the good health you have.

Patience.

I'm scraping the barrel for that stuff, running out quickly and somebody sound the alarm for more! The mind has been up to its tricks again, it's telling me I will find patience at the bottom of an ice cream box, at the bottom of a box of chocolates, at the bottom of all things evil essentially. Ugh.

I'm losing faith in people. Maybe I have lost it already, I don't know. Maybe it's an uglier truth that I've actually lost faith in myself. It's possible, anything's possible right? Or maybe I just can't sit around talking about shit, maybe I want an intelligent conversation, maybe - just maybe I actually want people to clear the cobwebs and focus!! Nah, nevermind, seems that might be too much to ask. Who am I kidding.

Reality check.

I ran out of tissues.

My mom returns from a month long trip from India this week and boy have I ever missed her. It's not so much that I've been alone, I like my space and quiet time but I have missed my mom and painfully so. I lost count of the amount of times I've wept. Seriously.



Mom and I can have our difficult moments, that's to be expected but she has such a grip on my heart that I don't know what would happen to me without her. I've had a sad month actually because it felt like it's foreshadowed my future without her. My emotional coping skills where she's concerned are pathetic, PATHETIC!



She's just not allowed to leave me, ever.

I'm Thankful

I'm thankful for my mom, she takes two aspirin and gets ready for the next round with me!

I'm thankful for my best friend, she knows me.

I'm thankful for my job, my mortgage is being paid on time.

I'm thankful for my nephews, they are the most innocent gems I have ever known.

I'm thankful for my home, it's a place to hide, a place that comforts and a place that is just mine.

I'm thankful for my 'Devil', he knows why (I hope).

I'm thankful for my car, though it gives me a headache sometimes.

I'm thankful I don't have any major disabilities or illnesses.

I'm thankful I don't have a migraine right now.

I'm thankful my best friend is my dealer. LOL.

I'm thankful for 'those moments' I have with my best friend.

I'm thankful for my hair...I have good hair.

I'm thankful for my electronic gadgets but more importantly my books.

I'm thankful for my common sense, intelligence, compassion, loyalty, work ethic and value system...it all allows me to sleep at night.

I'm thankful for my bed...seriously.

I'm thankful for the clothes on my back.

I'm thankful that my mind isn't entirely devoted to brand names.

I'm thankful for the life I have, it's a privileged life compared those who don't even have the basics.

Delete.

I'm writing and writing and then I stop to read what I just wrote....Holy Shit!!! I can't post that!!!! Delete, delete, delete...I'm finding I can't post what I want to post here. I don't want to make this blog about happy thoughts, poems and romanticized bull-shit - I made this post to describe the struggles I face to become the real Me. But suppose this is the real Me? Maybe there is no better version of Me...Oh fuck is that ever depressing.

No, really - suppose this is it?

I need to sit with this thought...back later.

Public Meltdown 101.

First and only lesson...Don't have a public meltdown. Don't.

So...I'm pissed again...what else is new eh!

What was to be a partnership has fizzled while we just starting to rub the sticks together to make Fire. This also wasn't a decision made by the partnership. I'm not mourning the loss of the business, I'm just bloody mad at being told 'after the fact'.

It's best this way. No investments yet, so no loss.

And yet I learn again that it is 'Me, Myself and I'.